Memories

I heard a song on the new Kelly Clarkson CD while I was driving the other day that pierced my heart. I think the song was meant for a break up, but the memories of Ryan's death were so overwhelming that I almost had to pull over due to the tears streaming down my face.

Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I can't even explain how I feel, there are no words. It's been almost three months and I feel like its hitting me all over again. Every little thing reminds me of him and I just break down and cry for no reason. It's like its finally hitting me that he really is gone. He's never coming back. I can't text him, call him, see him. Oh God it just tears me apart, why is it so hard to come to terms with this? Why does it still hurt? We both believed in God, so I know he's happy where he is now... but I feel like a piece of me died that day. I haven't felt the same since, and most of the time I just ignore it and pretend I'm over it and have accepted his fate. But its just so unlike anything I've felt before. This is not in my control. I have no choice but to let go. Let go...

Nasty Habit

Boy I am really bad at blogging! Sometimes I get going on a good streak but it is always inevitably followed by a dry spell. I wonder if this has anything to do with my habit of procrastinating.

I think I may have (knock on wood) found an apartment. It's very small... and when I say small I mean the kitchen and the living room are in the same room. The building is also really old and the apartment has been shut up for a while so it smells bad. But I personally think with a little TLC it would be perfect. I don't need a luxury apartment, I just need it to be mine. Well, mine to rent, but mine none the less. and small doesn't have to mean small, small can mean quaint. Sounds ideal right? Well not quite. It's too expensive, but if you look at the apartment you would be surprised at what they're asking for it. So that's where my request for your prayers come in... I am going to talk to the owner and try to haggle the price. I'm going to convince her that I'm perfect and just the type of renter she needs and then plead my poor case.

I'm also looking for a part time job to supplement my income. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I would like a cushion saved up to fall back on! I don't want to look at my bank account every month, biting my nails, hoping there's enough money in it to cover my bills. I don't mind being poor, it definitely makes me appreciate what I have, but I would like to be able to have money saved up.

BIG NEWS: Micah bought a new car! Not a new car... but new to him! He is very excited. It belonged to a friend of his who sold it to him very cheap. It needs new power steering and then it will be good to go. He's pretty excited because he's been having to take the bus to come see me, but now he finally has the freedom to drive where ever and whenever he wants to! Well, when he can afford gas that is haha. Speaking of which... the gas in my town has been going down slowly! YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Micah's brother and sister in law are pregnant! This will be their third child, probably a boy because those seem to run in his family. We are all very excited. Also, his aunt just had a baby (she's in her 40s). Baby is healthy, she is healthy, this is her fourth.

This week on facebook everyone has to post a picture of someone famous that they've been told they looked like more than once. Mine was Lindsay Lohan. I've gotten that alot, and when I say "Ew she's a skank." They usually say "no no before she was a skank."




What do you think?








Is there anyone you've been told you look like??? If so who?

Its been a long month.

Wow, It really has been a whole month since I last blogged. That just shows how busy I've been. I feel like I haven't even been in my apartment at all this past month between going to my parents, spending time with relatives, visiting Micah and working...

Micah's parents gave us plane tickets for Christmas. They live in Indiana and wanted us to come spend New Year with them. Despite a few delays at the airport... Our first flight was delayed 3 hours so we were at the airport for 5 hours. Because of that, we missed our connection flight in Philly so we had to book the next one which was at 7am the next morning. So Micah and I spent the night in the Philly airport. If I was alone there is no way I would have done that, but I felt safe with Micah there. I knew nothing would happen to us. So 9 hours later, we caught our flight from Philly to Indiana. Micah's parents are really sweet, loving, wonderful people and they really make me feel like part of the family. We went out to eat several times, went to the movies, baked Christmas cookies, watched movies, played games, went to their church. It was a lot of fun and part of me is sad to be back home. They bought us some Christmas presents so we did that first thing. Micah and I got matching hoodies that say his last name on the front and his Dad said "I know you're not a part of the family yet, but you will be soon enough." haha They work as house parents for a woman's home so it was really nice for me to be there to experience it first hand, considering that's what I want to do with my life. On the way home, our flight from Newark NJ to NY was delayed 6 hours so we were at that airport for 8hrs. It wouldn't have been so bad if they had actually told us our flight was delayed. Apparently the person that was supposed to man the desk at our terminal hadn't showed up for work that day so none of our announcements were being made and no one was there to help us or tell us what was going on. Twice, our flight disappeared from the screen, so each time we had to go to customer service and ask them what on earth was going on. After several of us complained that no one was at our terminal to help us, they finally gave us meal vouchers. Oh well... So like I said, despite the flight issues, the trip was wonderful. There was a few inches of snow, and yes very cold. The wind was like ice!

Then the following weekend, my mom's side of the family (aunt, cousins etc.) came over for Christmas celebration. That was a lot of fun, I haven't seen some of them in a long time! We laughed, drank wine, opened presents, shared stories. Micah got to come this year and I could tell he really enjoyed the family. :-) He is back at school now, today is his first day of classes. We made a road trip out of it, went to his home to get his stuff, said hi to all the relatives, went to church with them, then went back to his college. My car had been missing windshield washer fluid for a few weeks now, and the salt buildup on my windshield was dangerously thick. I could barely see. I kept pulling over and making Micah get out and throw snow on my windshield. He finally broke down and bought me some windshield washer, and I was amazed at how clean my windshield was! Those of you who wear glasses, have you ever cleaned your glasses and then put them back on and was taken aback at how clear they were now because you had no idea they were really that dirty! That's what it felt like.

New Blog

I'm going to start a new blog all about the stupid things customers say to me or my employees throughout the day. I'll only post on it when I have something to share. Customers Need To Come With A Handbook!

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

Its December! Do you know what that means? CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!! I am currently putting all my Christmas CDs on my computer, Avalon, Martina McBride, Amy Grant... I just finished decorating my three foot tree. Its so cute!

I finished the book I was reading, Casting Spells by Barbara Bretton. The quote on the cover says "'[Bretton's] books pull you in and don't let you leave until the last word is read' - Booklist" I can't believe how true that quote is. I read the entire book in one day! Now I'm starting the second one called "Laced with Magic."

Micah had to make a message board for his computer class and he asked me to give all you lovely bloggers a link. He needs outsiders to post on it so he can get a good grade, so please click the link and post anywhere about anything. Click here He said "Tell them it's a work in progress from a bunch of guys so its not super amazing." And just to warn you, its kind of trippy, might want to wear sunglasses before posting.

Let it snow... let it snow... let it snow...

Pride cometh before the fall

Let the records show that when something good happens, something bad is always bound to follow. Or, as Paula would say, good things happen first so you can handle the bad thing when it comes. I was psyched about getting a raise at work only to have my excitement squashed when I applied pressure to my break pedal and a terrible grinding noise emerged from somewhere below me. I took it to the shop next door to my parents and turns out I need new break pads and rotors on the front breaks. Parts alone will cost me $135. Thankfully a friend of mine offered to fix them for me and he said he wouldn't even charge me for the parts!! Thank you God for this blessing.

Yes, you read correctly, I got a raise!! I threatened (nicely) to leave and got a raise. Who knew! I should have done that months ago. Haha. But no, in all reality, the only reason this worked out so well for me is because I am the only reliable supervisor left in my store so the manager really needs me to stay. Thankfully this makes him willing to bend over backwards to keep me, which means an instant pay raise now and another one three months from now. There has also been some circumstances in the company that would present the opportunity for me to put in some overtime, which I gladly accepted with open arms. Maybe, just maybe, I will actually be able to support myself financially.

Speaking of being poor. My church has always held "Kitchen Cupboard" which is a food pantry for the less fortunate. My mom convinced me to go there yesterday to get food since I can't afford to buy groceries. I thought it was a good idea but I was very nervous to go. This was my home church where people knew me and I was afraid that they would get the wrong impression. I feared that they would think I was taking advantage of the system and that I wasn't actually "needy" OR I feared they would think I was needy and look down on me for it. When I got there, I just said a quick prayer in the parking lot that God would give me the strength to go through with it. Much to my relief, everyone was very nice and helpful. I actually got a lot of food! Much more than I would have been able to afford on my own, and its all donated from Wegmans so you know its good. French bread, fresh produce, beans, tuna fish, cereal (just to name a few.) It was a humbling experience but in the end I decided I enjoy being poor because it really makes me thankful for what I have. If I could afford french bread I wouldn't have though twice about having any, but since I can't, getting some from the food pantry is the highlight of my week!

I really enjoy living with my roommates. They are extremely nice and treat me like I'm a part of the family. There have been so many times when they ask me to join them for dinner, or tell me that I'm welcome to the produce they get from the farmers market in town. I have noticed that I tolerate things from them that I wouldn't have tolerated from previous housemates and I most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it. This must mean that I will be here for a while.

What I'm reading:

Casting Spells by Barbara Bretton. Mystic fairy tale creatures such as witches, sprites, faeries and poltergeist have come to reside in Sugar Maple, Vermont. They see each other for who they really are, but to an outsider they are just a Stepford type town full of beautiful people with no history of crime or even death. They live in peace, unnoticed by the rest of the world... until someone dies. Now outsiders are coming in and snooping around and the safety of the towns secret lies on the shoulders of half-breed Mayor Chloe Hobbs. With a witch mother and human father, Chloe, at the age of 30 has not yet acquired her magical powers and doesn't know if she ever will.

I hope there's a skatepark in heaven

It's been awhile since my last post... its interesting how I can't seem to think of an introductory sentence for what I'm about to say...

Ryan died November 13th. Over a week ago and the phrase still brings tears to my eyes. Its one thing when someone dies of old age or illness because at least then you are able to prepare yourself for the waves of emotion that are about to crash into you; but to lose someone suddenly and unexpectedly in a car accident just isn't right. No one prepared me, no one warned me. One day he was here and the next he was gone. I understand that everything happens for a reason and I understand that now he is in heaven with the Lord and Savior he served with all his heart... but knowing all that doesn't make it easier. Ryan used to be my boyfriend, we broke up around thanksgiving two years ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made and the hardest to get over. I loved him but not in the kind of way he needed me to. Over the next two years we tried numerous times to be friends but it was just too hard for him. He insisted that I was the only one for him and he would never love another. A month ago he sent me a text message saying he was still in love with me but he knew I was happy now and he was happy for me so he was saying goodbye. Oh Ryan... if only you knew. He swore that I was the only person he'd ever love and he was right. He loved me for two years after we broke up and then he died, he died loving me. I'm honored. I trusted God to get me over breaking up with Ryan two years ago and now I'm going to lean on God again to get me over his tragic death.

I hope there's a skate park for you in heaven Ryan, I'll miss you. 11/13/09


Link to my photography blog in memory of Ryan